Valerie DiLuggo - Marriage & Family Therapist and Dating & Relationship Coach
Valerie DiLuggo
Valerie is a Marriage & Family Therapist and a Dating & Relationship coach. She is passionate about helping people love and be loved. She supports women dating in the patriarchy and helps couples learn practical & actionable relationship skills so their relationships flourish. She describes herself as the 'dating doula' or the 'fairy godmother" you meet along the path to love. Valerie's talks and teachings are all colored with humor and vulnerability. While not working you’ll find Valerie on the pickleball court, chasing sunsets or laughing with friends. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband.
I’m excited for you to connect with Valerie, check out her work and impact, and follow along as she continues to help you find love & keep love by distilling the secret sauce of relationship counseling into simple, actionable, effective skills. With Valerie a happier relationship is only a few steps away!
I'd love it if you'd introduce yourself, what you do, and what you're working on.
Hi! My name is Valerie DiLuggo, and I am a Marriage & Family Therapist and a Dating & Relationship Coach. I help people love and be loved. I help women date smarter in the patriarchy. And lastly I describe myself as the ‘love-journey doula’ helping women tend to their own hearts on the *sometimes* difficult journey to love. This is the focus of my latest project, which is a small group coaching program called, “Reset Yourself For Love.” I’ve heard so many women say: “That’s it. This isn’t working. I need to take a break from dating and just work on myself.” Look, dating is tough and sometimes we tend to lose ourselves in the search for love. Women emerge from this program with greater self-knowledge and a vision for love and life that feels exciting and hopeful!
How did you get started?
I became a therapist because I wanted to help people reduce the suffering in their lives caused by painful relationships. I was mentoring young women and found it so fulfilling. I saw what a difference I could make. I could see how people were in such pain because they didn’t have the tools to handle all the things you need in a relationship: good communication skills, conflict resolution, empathy, validation skills, etc. I love to hear clients come back and tell me how they used a new tool—-and how it made an impact on their relationship! We all want to feel competent and capable of handling the ups and downs of life and know what to do in times of trouble.
What Inspired the work you’re doing?
My most important work right now is with single women who are looking for love-and that work was inspired by my own journey to love. Society is not gentle on single women. There is so much pressure on women to be ‘chosen’ by a partner-especially in heterosexual relationships. It’s like there must be something wrong with you if you’re not partnered up yet. I know so many women who feel like their lives can’t really start until they find love! What pressure over something you can’t fully control!
Why can’t women lead full and fabulous, richly faceted lives while they are looking for love? And why can’t their lives be valued just by being? We focus so much energy on being pleasing, that it is easy lose sight on what we are even looking for in a partner! That’s why I jokingly describe myself as the ‘love-journey doula.’ Let me help you take care of yourself and reconnect to your glorious self.If I can help women feel less insecure and more empowered on this journey—then I have done something good!
What is your biggest passion? Do you feel like you're living your passion and purpose?
I decided to focus on love and relationships because of my own experiences. I joke that getting my counseling degree probably saved my marriage, but it’s not far from the truth! I was a few years into marriage and, while we deeply loved each other, we had some hard and confusing parts of our relationship. I was devouring everything I was learning in my program. I was having so many ‘lightbulb moments.’ I was understanding more about myself and my partner and what was causing our rollercoaster of a relationship. I was applying all the tools I was learning about relationships and found such relief! Our issues were getting untangled and our connection was deepening. I want to get these relationship tools out into the public discourse. When I started therapy, none of my clients knew what self-care was. I want that to happen with relationship tools too! We all can have more satisfying loving relationships!
Yes I truly feel like I am living in that beautiful zone of passion and purpose. But it feels different now that I am older and wiser. I DO start work everyday with a smile, because I thoroughly enjoy my work. I feel like I’m working in the ‘zone’ I was made for. But notice it is *still* work. I realized I don’t have to be anyone’s savior. I get to have my own passions and take care of myself—while working in my purpose. I’m not burning out or living just to achieve. I am living each day in the present; doing only what I can each day. It is glorious.
What is your joy blueprint? What lights you up, brings you joy, and makes you feel the most alive?
My joy blueprint involves ALOT of laughter and humor. I’ve realized recently that I like to surround myself with people who will belly laugh with me. Those who will giggle over stupid jokes, funny videos, and self-deprecating observations. My husband and I both naturally find the humor in everyday things. Why NOT be laughing? Why NOT find the joy and humor in things? Why NOT look at the world through those lenses? It feels good in my body to be laughing and to make others laugh. I feel most alive when I’m surrounded by loved ones, laughing and telling funny stories.
How do you live intentionally? Are there tools/resources/practices that you rely on to help you stay mindful and grounded?
Staying mindful and grounded is so important! We stay grounded by connecting with our bodies and the present moment. So I make sure that I am connecting to my body and its sensations, and what it is trying to tell me it needs. This is such a big learning curve for many of my clients. We stay mindful by trying to live in the present moment without focusing too much on the past or future. Using all of our senses to, what I like to call, ‘sucking all the experience out of the moment’ (through your senses). Truly stopping to smell the roses or actually savor the food you’re eating. Putting the phone down and listening with all our attention to what another is saying to us. I’ve really had to slow myself down. Slow down to check in with myself and not just be on auto-pilot. You can’t be intentional if you are on auto-pilot.
What would your younger self think about what you're doing now?
When I’m asked the question-“What would you want to say to your younger self” I usually answer with—“I would need to convince her (because just telling her might not sink in) that her worth is not dependent on being chosen by a partner. So, if she saw me helping other women to work through those beliefs, I hope she would really believe me. I hope she would see how destructive those beliefs are, and how much freedom there could be—-just being yourself!
Do you have a go-to mantra or affirmation?
Self-Care is not selfish. Centering yourself and your needs is not wrong. It’s the healthiest thing you can do. Putting out your needs can be scary at first. Our society doesn’t like us choosing what’s best for us. But it is a vital part of living an intentional life.
What is your biggest dream?
Professionally, I would like to see parts of our funny love story be used as edu-tainment to help teach new relationship skills in an enjoyable way (with all that laughing in our lives you know there are a lot of funny stories)
Personally, I would like to continue to travel and be able to see all the parts of the world that interest me!
To connect with Valerie and learn more check out her website www.sothisislove.club where you can sign up for her newsletter and to hear about the Reset Yourself for Love group coaching program, click here: www.sothisislove.club/reset-yourself-program
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